And the German empire! Very organized, they’d always build an empire, ‘ein, zwei, ein, zwei, build an empire.’ Very Prussian… and then they’d celebrate with a World War! And then lose the whole fucking empire by the end of the war. In the 30’s, Hitler—Czechoslovakia, Poland, France, World War II… the Russian front—not a good idea… Hitler never played ‘Risk’ when he was a kid! ‘Cause, you know, playing ‘Risk,’ you could never hold on to Asia. That Asian-Eastern European area, you could never hold it, could you? Seven extra men at the beginning of every go, but you couldn’t fucking hold it! Australasia, that was the one! Australasia, all the purple ones! Get everyone on Papua New Guinea and just build up and build up…
— Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill
I’m a film nut as well, complete nut on films. I used to break into film studios. There’s a studio called Pinewood Studios near London, and I broke in there when I was 15. And I crept around, creeping, creeping, and hoping that some guy with a big cigar might go, ‘Hey! A creeping kid! For my film, ‘The Creeping Kid!’ You, you’re in!’ ‘Ah, me? Uh, yeah…’ But no, it didn’t happen! They were filming tall, angular…veterinarians that day… I didn’t have my bag… And my hand up a horse’s… anyway.
— Eddie Izzard
Yes, and the Crusades were, ‘We kill you in the name of Jesus!’ ‘Wait, we have Jesus too! He’s a prophet in our religion! We kill you in the name of Jesus!’ ‘Do you? Well, we kill you for your dark skin, for Jesus was a white man from Oxford!’ ‘No, he wasn’t! He was from Judea! Dark-skinned man, such as we!’ ‘… Really? Look, we’ve come all this way. Would you mind awfully if we hacked you to bits? Just for the press back home.’
— Eddie Izzard
Two languages in one head? No one can live at that speed! Good Lord, man, you’re asking the impossible! “But the Dutch speak four languages and smoke marijuana!” Well… yes—but they’re cheating! Everyone knows that marijuana is… a drug enhancement that helps you on track and field to come last… in a team of eight million… eight million other runners who are all… dead.
— Eddie Izzard
