for your insta-viewing pleasure
on 11/10/09 all of eddie izzard’s stand-up films become insta-play on netflix.
October 2009
20 posts
“Religion and philosophy, philosophy and religion—they’re two words which are both different… in spelling.”
—Eddie Izzard
The Tale of Robin Hood
- Robin Hood: Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor--I’m trying to be a myth! Give us cash!
- Passerby: No, I’m not gonna give you cash.
- Robin Hood: Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?
- Passerby: No, I’m… comfortable.
- Robin Hood: That’s no good! I can't steal from the fairly well off and give to the moderately impoverished! That’s not gonna swing, is it?
“I am two lesbians in a man’s body.”
—Eddie Izzard
“There’s a huge hole in the whole Flood drama, because anything that could float or swim got away scot-free, and it was the idea to wipe out everything, He didn’t say, ‘I will kill everything… except the floating ones and the swimming ones, who will get out due to a loophole.’”
—Eddie Izzard, Glorious
“The Renaissance period—it was good, it was good—it was active. It was exciting for many things happening. Good film, you could make films out of it, you know, because there’s sex and death, the Borghese, the Medicis, and Machiavelli wrote that book ‘The Artist Formerly Known As.’”
—Eddie Izzard, Circle
“Blood is thicker than water: this means we should be kind to our relatives. But custard is thicker than blood…”
—Eddie Izzard (via bingoparaphernalia)
“And the National Rifle Association says that, ‘Guns don’t kill people, people do…’ but I think the gun helps. I think just standing there going, ‘bang!’ That’s not going to kill too many people, is it? You’d have to be really dodgy on the heart to have that…”
—Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill
“But then the Roman Empire fell like this, ‘oh shit.’ And we went into what the historians called the Stupid Fucker period. Where everyone was going, ‘er, I dunno. Is that a Roman road? Can we eat it?’”
—Eddie Izzard, Circle
“
“Beekeepers, as well! Beekeepers, yes… They’ve gotta want to be, ‘I want to be a beekeeper! I wanna keep bees! Don’t want them to get away—I wanna keep them! They have too much freedom! I want bees on elastic, so when they get pollen, they come back here!
“‘My father was a beekeeper before me, his father was a beekeeper before him; I wanna walk in their footsteps. And their footsteps were like this…’ (runs away screaming ) ‘I’m covered in bees! Aah! Covered in bees!’”
” —Eddie Izzard, Glorious
“I’m a fan of machines, as well! I like machines; when I was a kid, you know, how you have that spark of invention? I invented a helicopter that goes under water! Bit of a death trap… but the spark was there, you know?”
—Eddie Izzard, Glorious
“
Before puberty, at school, I didn’t tell kids I was a transvestite ‘cause I thought they might kill me with sticks, you know?
‘He said a word we didn’t understand! And he won at Scrabble with it!’
” —Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill
“President Kennedy said, ‘By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Moon.’ At the same time, our Prime Minister in Britain, Sir Dingly Dang… You don’t know anyway, do you? You have no idea! It was Sir Fritz Bunwalla. Engelbert Slaptyback, who was Prime Minister at the time, and he stood up and he said, ‘By the end of this decade, I have decided to put a man on the surface of the Earth!’ And so he did.”
—Eddie Izzard, Dress to Kill
- World: Come on, Europe, give these countries back. Come on, we just had a bloody war; let's give 'em back. Britain?
- Britain: Wha'?
- World: What's that behind your back?
- Britain: Oh, it's India and a number of other countries.
- World: Give 'em back.
- Britain: Oh, all right. There's that one there, and there's that one…
- World: Falkland Islands?
- Britain: Oh, we need the Falkland Islands... for strategic sheep purposes!
