dress to kill.

Please could you possibly mumble positive things towards me on the Sunday? In the coldest buildings you can find.

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That’s just logic.

So, in the Christian faith God created Adam in his own image, yeah? So that was good, but 65 million years before that God created the dinosaurs using the image of his cousin Ted. And Ted was not the black sheep of the family—he was the huge fucking monster of the family.

And there must have been God, I mean it’s not in the Bible, is it? It should have been mentioned somewhere around Genesis. You’d think God would grab someone’s arm—some scribe who was copying out and saying, ‘…but before that, there were dinosaurs who were a bit crap, so fuck ‘em.’ Not in there, which could mean that, because dinosaurs were discovered in the 1700’s, 1800’s—somewhere around there—maybe it is a philosophy, and some bloke with a beard doesn’t live upstairs… maybe. (sings) Blasphemy… Blas for you…

So, the New Testament. The New Testament, yes, that was a short bit of testament, I think, and it began slap-bang on 0 A.D., right in the kisser, which made the people who make calendars very happy. They were going out of their minds!

‘So what, we go five, four, three, two, one, 0, and then what? Where do we go after that? Year A? Year B? What? Call it year “pdah?” Year “flimdieu?” Year “creamediu?” We’re just gonna make it up? What are we gonna do? And A.D., who is “D?”’

‘Oh, I can tell you that, it’s Domino’s, makes pizzas. So Domino’s pizza… I don’t know quite what’s going on.’

‘We never even knew who “C” was, B.C., who’s “C?”’

Anyway, they found out.

Mary and Joseph and Baby G.… and they all came bringing gifts, ‘Oh, Mary, Joseph, thank you. Good timing! Six days early, actually, so… But it’s Christmas, so… spread the goodwill.’ And the Baby G. was there and the Three Wise Men came from the Old Testament, with big fuckoff beards…

‘Oh, Baby G.! We have followed the Star, which was a lamp post for a while, and we went around in circles, but now we’re here. We got a bit pissed somewhere… Somewhere near Birmingham, and now we’re here with presents. Baby G., we bring you gold!’

(sounds of amazement)

‘We bring you frankincense.’

(sniffs, expresses pleasure)

‘We bring you myrrh…’

(undecided sounds)

“Yes, I think that if you rub it on the back of a duck, it goes quite fast, yes? That’s what… Or maybe it’s a small banjo… If you can spell it, you can have it! How about that?”

And Baby G. was very happy…

‘Thank you, thank you for my Christmas presents… and for my birthday presents?’

‘What? Oh, Christmas and birthday, isn’t it? ‘Cause you’re born, and it’s Christmas… It’s two presents! Ah! You’re the first! Are there any shops open?’

Mary and Joseph—’Late night petrol station, try that.’

‘Okay, yes, brilliant, good idea. We’ll be right back.’ (mimes running) ‘Get out, get out! Get that beard out of the way!’

In 20 minutes, they came back.

‘Sorry, sorry… right, we’re here. Baby G., we bring you 20 cigarettes, a Diet Coke, and a sack of charcoal!’

And Henry VIII, a big hairy king, went up to the Pope and said, ‘Mr. Pope! I’m gonna marry my first wife, then I’m gonna divorce her. Now, I know what you’re gonna say, but stick with me—my story gets better. Second wife, I’m gonna kill her! Cut her head off. Ah, not expecting that, are we? Third wife—gonna shoot her. Fourth wife—put her in a bag. Fifth wife—into outer space. Sixth wife—on a rotissamat. Seventh wife—made out of jam…’ and the Pope is saying, ‘You crazy bugger! You can’t do all this, what are you a Mormon? It’s illegal. What have you been reading? The gospel according to St. Bastard?’

Christianity had split into many different areas. Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone, ‘roooow, ya bastards!’ You know… Original sin! What a hellish idea that is! People have to go,

‘Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.’

‘I’ve never heard of that one before! Five Hail Mary’s and two Hello, Dolly’s.’

‘Oh, all right…’

‘Bless me, Father, for I have slept with my next door neighbor’s wife.’

‘Heard it! I want an original sin.’

‘Oh, I’m terribly sorry!’

The Anglican faith doesn’t have that. You’ll never go,

‘Vicar, I have done many bad things.’

‘Well… so have I.’

‘What shall I do?’

‘Well, drink five Bloody Marys and you won’t remember.’