dress to kill.

Cause Jesus I do think did exist, and he was, I think, a guy who had interesting ideas in the Gandhi-type area, in the Nelson Mandela-type area—you know—relaxed and groovy; and the Romans thought, ‘Relaxed and groovy?! No, no, no, no, no!’ So they murdered him. And kids eat chocolate eggs, because of the color of the chocolate, and the color of the… wood on the cross. Well, you tell me!

Performance enhancing drugs are banned in the Olympics. Ok, we can swing with that. But performance debilitating drugs should not be banned. Smoke a joint and win the hundred meters? Fair play for you. That’s pretty damn good. Unless someone’s dangling a Mars bar off in the distance.

‘Give us cash! I steal from the rich and give to the poor! I’m trying to be a myth! Give us cash!’

‘No, I’m not gonna give you cash.’

‘Go on, I steal from the rich. Are you rich?’

‘No, I’m … comfortable.’

‘That’s no good. I can’t steal from the fairly well-off and give to the moderately-impoverished! That’s not gonna swing, is it?’

And cats leap up walls! Six foot walls, they just go… *fwang* [mimes cat jumping] Lands perfectly, and turn … turn … and back-flip and forward-flip, and dismount! They always land perfectly—they never do that sort of wobbly-gymnast… [mimes wobbling] You never see cats on a wall having a problem, do you? You never see a cat going, [mimes tentative walk] ‘Fucking ‘ell! I’m not sure about this…’ and a cat on the ground going, ‘Easy, Ginger! I’ll walk you down!’

His name changed from Gerry Dorsey to Engelbert Humperdinck. I mean, I just wanted to be in the room when they were working that one through: “Zingelbert Bembledack! Yingybert Dambleban! Zangelbert Bingledack! Wingelbert Humptyback! … Slut Bunwalla!”

“What?!”

“All right, Kringelbert Fishtybuns! Steviebuns Bottrittrundle –”

“No, Gerry Dorsey! I like Gerry Dorsey!”

“No, we can’t, who we got? Zingelbert Bembledack, Tringelbert Wangledack, Slut Bunwalla, Klingybun Fistelvase, Dindlebert Zindledack, Gerry Dorsey, Engelbert Humptyback, Zengelbert Bingledack, Engelbert Humperdinck, Vingelbert Wingledanck…”

“No, no, go back one!”

Boy bands should explode from a great height. All they do is sing music written by others.